Constant Failure

Hey there mister blog.
So recently I have been really feeling the negative consequences of my usual lifestyle. Some problems are these: I'm a loner, and don't fit with any of my friend groups all the time. I need to get out and exercise, but I always find excuses. I am so good at avoiding things that make me uncomfortable, I avoided all of my assignments this semester, and might fail out of school. I am starting to thing that the force of will that I always thought I had is just my imagination. I know I could stop typing right now and sit down and do my CS homework for tomorrow morning, but I know that if I stay up and write this post, I will not turn in the homework tomorrow, or likely not even go to class. This motivational issue gets worse in the mornings. I set my alarm for 10AM for a 10:25 class, then convince myself that I don't have to go to class, before my common sense and good judgment can wake up. I genuinely want to work hard, and I genuinely want to be at this school, and study what I can. My whole life, I have avoided school work, and I always got away with it, sometimes with good grades. Right now, I am on academic probation, and failing two classes. I am hopefully going to write a pre-appeal letter to the college board, but I can't even seem to get around to doing that. All of this anxiety is ruining my semester, and while it eats away at my sanity, it makes me even more unlikely to do my work. It's a cycle that keeps getting harder to throw. I can't think of anything in my life right now that I'm very happy about. That's sad, isn't it? I'm usually a really optimistic person, if a little realistic. It's gotten to the point where I just want to take a year off or something. I know that it won't be helpful though, since I'll probably just work at the same place I always do, make a tiny bit of money, and learn nothing. If the job market weren't so fucked up, I might think about doing it. I really wish I had an idea for a small business. I am seriously considering switching my major to business management, on the recommendation of a friend.

So, to stop whining, I want to make known my thoughts on why people lose motivation. I personally think that when I am too realistic, I understand that the only reasons to do anything in life are either social, personal or necessary to life. When I have never felt a strong repercussion for not doing something, I have no reason to do it. If I have never noticed a time where it helped me a lot in life, I won't do it. I wish people didn't care so much for social norms. Fuck grades. I knew everything that I learned in astronomy, but I'm still failing it. Why? Because what difference does it make? If I go to apply for a job, and they care more about my college degree than what I know, fuck them too. Why does everything have to be the way it is? Why can't people learn to accept things that don't fit the norm?

I know, I'm rambling, but you know, stream of consciousness and all that.

I could rant forever on everything about people, but that would mean waking up even later tomorrow, and missing my Javascript lab: the only part of CS121 where I actually learn anything. And on that topic, how the fuck can a professor expect me to write programs on paper in a midterm?! When I use a computer, I can use trial and error. On paper, I can't. Same thing? No. Fuck you.