Recent Developments

Where to start....
So I've been psyching myself out recently.
I just found out that the girl that I dated my freshman year is dating a sophomore.
I'm kind of surprised. I often feel like my personality works really well with shy girls' personalities for some reason, and I think I know the guy she's with. He's not like that at all. Maybe she changed? I'm not sure, as I could never find an excuse to hang out with, or even talk to her. The kicker is that in my crazy indecision and pessimism, I've decided over the past few days that nobody I know at school is right for me but her. Now I'm not one of those guys that stalks his ex and wants to get back together with her, but I really felt a connection with her, even if we didn't speak about our relationship, or ever break the eventual fourth wall. I thought we would have had a chance to get back together, had I had a chance to be around her. I'm a better man than I was almost two years ago. Not a different man, but a better one. I've finally begun to understand who I am, and what I want, but I have a more extreme sense that I want to make a special person happy. Not that I want to be in a relationship for physical or emotional release, or social imperative. I finally just want to have someone who I can show love to, but I don't feel like I'm anywhere near that point in my feelings for any girl. I've been contemplating multiple girls, but I keep telling myself they're not right for me. One, I decided is too much smarter than me. Another is too finicky, and has let me down in the past. Yet another is not very socially inclined, and according to my roommate, flirts with every guy the way I thought was just for me.
I talked with a friend for a while, and she is telling me to just wait, and let good things come to me, but I am getting more and more nervous. I want to be able to reach out and take what I want, but I have been spending my whole life waiting until the perfect chance. I've become something of an opportunist. I wait until circumstances are right to do things, and sometimes procrastinate even then. I spent the whole summer flirting with a lesbian, who kept telling me she liked guys too. That was confusing. I had so many chances to tell her how I felt, but put it off until I finally talked myself into kissing her. That didn't work out so well. Maybe if then I had taken the initiative to talk to her and find out what she felt, I would have been slightly less confused. I didn't though. I spent the whole summer emotionally invested in someone who wanted to care about me, but couldn't.
I almost wish I had gone to a bigger school. I feel as though at this school, I have reached a social dead-end. As if when I met my first friends here, I started branching out in a family-tree-esque sort of way, with no links to follow further. I know it isn't true, but that doesn't help my psyche.
I need to meet some new people. I hope my new inflections on my personality aren't turning people away. I have been giving people a hard time about things (a trait straight from my father), and acting out a fake arrogance for humor's sake. I consider myself a very funny person, but not everyone else does. I almost wish I would be put in more dire situations where I could show people that when it gets right down to it, I will do anything to help anybody who really needs it.
I know that physically, I could look better, and I want to work on that, but unless I see palpable results for something like that, I have very little drive to work on it. I can't get a straight answer out of anyone on whether I should shave my sideburns or not: I like them, but GMT says otherwise. We'll see on that. I need to lose weight, but I don't like going to the gym. Maybe swimming in the pool will work for me. I just need a reason to have the drive to spend time working on this. I can tell myself to clean my room, since I get the instant gratification of cleanliness. This might require me forcing myself, which I always tell myself I can do, but never employ.

I guess when I put it all on paper and look at it, I don't have as much of a problem as I tell myself. I resolve to work harder to be a better person, and help myself as much as I want to. I will try to stop wanting, and start letting things happen naturally.