Recent Developments

Where to start....
So I've been psyching myself out recently.
I just found out that the girl that I dated my freshman year is dating a sophomore.
I'm kind of surprised. I often feel like my personality works really well with shy girls' personalities for some reason, and I think I know the guy she's with. He's not like that at all. Maybe she changed? I'm not sure, as I could never find an excuse to hang out with, or even talk to her. The kicker is that in my crazy indecision and pessimism, I've decided over the past few days that nobody I know at school is right for me but her. Now I'm not one of those guys that stalks his ex and wants to get back together with her, but I really felt a connection with her, even if we didn't speak about our relationship, or ever break the eventual fourth wall. I thought we would have had a chance to get back together, had I had a chance to be around her. I'm a better man than I was almost two years ago. Not a different man, but a better one. I've finally begun to understand who I am, and what I want, but I have a more extreme sense that I want to make a special person happy. Not that I want to be in a relationship for physical or emotional release, or social imperative. I finally just want to have someone who I can show love to, but I don't feel like I'm anywhere near that point in my feelings for any girl. I've been contemplating multiple girls, but I keep telling myself they're not right for me. One, I decided is too much smarter than me. Another is too finicky, and has let me down in the past. Yet another is not very socially inclined, and according to my roommate, flirts with every guy the way I thought was just for me.
I talked with a friend for a while, and she is telling me to just wait, and let good things come to me, but I am getting more and more nervous. I want to be able to reach out and take what I want, but I have been spending my whole life waiting until the perfect chance. I've become something of an opportunist. I wait until circumstances are right to do things, and sometimes procrastinate even then. I spent the whole summer flirting with a lesbian, who kept telling me she liked guys too. That was confusing. I had so many chances to tell her how I felt, but put it off until I finally talked myself into kissing her. That didn't work out so well. Maybe if then I had taken the initiative to talk to her and find out what she felt, I would have been slightly less confused. I didn't though. I spent the whole summer emotionally invested in someone who wanted to care about me, but couldn't.
I almost wish I had gone to a bigger school. I feel as though at this school, I have reached a social dead-end. As if when I met my first friends here, I started branching out in a family-tree-esque sort of way, with no links to follow further. I know it isn't true, but that doesn't help my psyche.
I need to meet some new people. I hope my new inflections on my personality aren't turning people away. I have been giving people a hard time about things (a trait straight from my father), and acting out a fake arrogance for humor's sake. I consider myself a very funny person, but not everyone else does. I almost wish I would be put in more dire situations where I could show people that when it gets right down to it, I will do anything to help anybody who really needs it.
I know that physically, I could look better, and I want to work on that, but unless I see palpable results for something like that, I have very little drive to work on it. I can't get a straight answer out of anyone on whether I should shave my sideburns or not: I like them, but GMT says otherwise. We'll see on that. I need to lose weight, but I don't like going to the gym. Maybe swimming in the pool will work for me. I just need a reason to have the drive to spend time working on this. I can tell myself to clean my room, since I get the instant gratification of cleanliness. This might require me forcing myself, which I always tell myself I can do, but never employ.

I guess when I put it all on paper and look at it, I don't have as much of a problem as I tell myself. I resolve to work harder to be a better person, and help myself as much as I want to. I will try to stop wanting, and start letting things happen naturally.

Well..

Well fuck.

Guh...

Yup. Sounds like they're dating now. I wish something would just go right for me. I went over to the dorm she lives in to hang out with other people, and saw her on the way in. We were hanging out for a while, and I could swear she was acting like she liked me, but then at 9 or so, she said she was going to sleep. I poked fun at her early bedtime, and she avoided the topic. Our other friend said loudly that she was actually going out dancing with a guy, and was embarrassed. God, this is confusing. It doesn't help that tons of social drama is happening within that group of friends too. *Sigh*

Arg...

Arg. So there's this girl (I know, that's sort of a theme here). I worked with her a bit, hung out with her a bit, and I really want to get to know her. I think she's really cute, and I like being around her. That's grounds to pursue a friendship/relationship. Now we were at a party together, and I had hoped to "chat her up" to some extent; get to know her. Of course, this other guy goes over to her and starts talking to her first. Uh oh. I decide to start getting wasted, since, you know, it's a party. I go back to join them in conversation, and he's telling her how he wants to be a minister, and shit. I can't compete with that! I'm a drunk atheist, and I later find that she transferred from a catholic school. Now for a few days, I'm thinking she likes me. This puts me in a great mood. I was hanging out with her today, only to learn that she likes this minister guy (Or so our mutual friend says)

Fucking son of a fucking bitch. This keeps happening to me.

Flustering Crazy Confusion

Wow. So that fucking musical is finally over. I hated (loved) every second of it. Now I have to do all my work that I shirked for the last week-and-a-half. I really hope I don't fail out of Clark, but I just have so much trouble doing my work. I know that I want to get it done. I REALLY want to get it done. I want a lot of things, but lack the motivation to pursue any of them. It's weird being me. Once I know what I want, I really think I can go after it, but right now, I feel like I'm inadvertently trying to show off my adaptability to myself, or something, with some crazy notion that I need to prove some skill to myself.

Well, for now lets work on maybe staying in school and finding a love interest (it's weird when you can't find one person to focus on... not sure I've ever been in that boat before).

Currently....

So. That ended pretty well. I'm still single, but that's ok. Right now I'm feeling ok with life. Sort of. I have no money, don't do very well in classes, am single, and tired socially. Otherwise, it's all good. I might get out of bed eventually and do some laundry.

Frustration and Procrastination

So. Life has been weird these past few weeks. Most importantly, I've been flirting with this girl. Now, I'm usually not terrible as asking girls out and whatnot, but the whole time with this one, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wasn't really sure why, but I followed my gut. So just yesterday I was hanging out with her for a good while, and she was all but telling me she was frustrated that I wouldn't ask her out. I was way too hung over and poor yesterday to take her to dinner, so I didn't. Today, I decided I would ask her to dinner at the restaurant down the street, but when I got to where she was doing homework, she was with a bunch of people. I didn't want to have that conversation in front of people I didn't know, since that just makes things weirder, so I waited a few minutes, and she promptly got up to flirt with other guys and whatnot. Now I understand if you want to play games and try to make me jealous, or whatever, try showing some normal human interest in me first. I bet you she couldn't tell me much about me. Now I understand that gut feeling. She doesn't seem to care about me, but still would date me? That's not weird or anything.

Ugh.

I'll update when I know what's going on.

Hrmph.

Isn't it weird to be on the receiving end of certain social behavior you were bad with in high school? Sorry to be vague, but it's pretty confusing.

Titus Anronicufuckthisshit.

Guh.. Paper not going so well.

In the play, Titus Andronicus, the characters' family values are questionable, and while those values take a back seat to most of the more serious drama in the play, can show an interesting new side to some elements of the story. Characters such as Aaron, Titus and Tamora all act contrary to their character, or role in the play when faced with certain family situations. Aaron, in Acts III IV an V, even becomes something of a tragic hero, whereas Titus, the tragic hero becomes a barbarian.
The main character, Titus, is generally looked at as an old warrior made victim of cruelty, but one may feel the need to point out that among other evils, he kills two of his own children, for seemingly little reason. He acts in a barbarous way at times, even though he is supposed to be the tragic hero. Shakespeare calls attention to this on multiple instances by having characters relate Titus' behavior to the mannerisms and lifestyles of the Goths. Upon Titus telling Tamora of his need to sacrifice Alarbus, she bursts out, “O cruel irreligious piety!” (when Chiron asks...) “Was never Scythia half so Barbarous.” (1.1.130-131).
Aaron spends the first two acts convincing people to do terrible things, seemingly just for fun. He has no grudges against Titus, but that he cares for Tamora. For this reason, at first, one may suspect Aaron to be Shakespeare's most evil villain, but in act III, he does something surprising: he kills the nurse of his bastard son and flees to the Goths for his son's safety. When Aaron runs from Rome, he gives up his lover and any more chances for the political interference he seems to love so much. On his way to Gothic territory, he is caught by Lucius, one of Titus' sons, and his army of Goths. Lucius captures Aaron, and in exchange for sparing the child, Aaron admits to all of the crimes committed, after which he speaks the following monologue:
“Ay, that I had not done a thousand more.
Even now I curse the day--and yet, I think,
Few come within the compass of my curse,--
Wherein I did not some notorious ill,
As kill a man, or else devise his death,
Ravish a maid, or plot the way to do it,
Accuse some innocent and forswear myself,
Set deadly enmity between two friends,
Make poor men's cattle break their necks;
Set fire on barns and hay-stacks in the night,
And bid the owners quench them with their tears.
Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves,
And set them upright at their dear friends' doors,
Even when their sorrows almost were forgot;
And on their skins, as on the bark of trees,
Have with my knife carved in Roman letters,
'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.'
Tut, I have done a thousand dreadful things
As willingly as one would kill a fly,
And nothing grieves me heartily indeed
But that I cannot do ten thousand more.” (5.1.124-144)
Aaron clearly stated that he does evil for the sake of doing evil. He and Titus change when the child is born and Titus goes insane, and it creates an interesting change of roles. Titus becomes something of a villain, and Aaron a tragic hero.
It's easier to see Aaron as a victim after his quote:
"Coal-black is better than another hue
In that it scorns to bear another hue
For all the water in the ocean
Can never turn the swan's black legs to white." (4.2.98-101) He defends his son's skin color, which he himself has been ostracized for. This causes us to consider that he may be doing evil to get his revenge on the world for the treatment of those with dark skin. The quickness with which he loves his son shows how alone he has been before the child's birth.
Titus shows very little love for his family, for someone who commits his life to vengeance for his fallen sons and daughter. He kills his son, Mutius in the first scene, simply for trying to assist his sister Lavinia in escaping forced wedlock: “What, villian boy! Barrs't me my way in Rome?” [He kills him.] He also kills Lavinia with seemingly no emotion, after she has been given revenge on Tamora and her kin: “Die, die Lavinia, and thy shame with thee; [Kills Lavinia] And, with thy shame, thy father's sorrow die!” One might question Titus' status as a tragic hero when he throws away his children as if they were garbage.
Tamora also has an intriguing twist to her character. She displays some very misogynistic behavior, which is somewhat confusing, since she marries Saturninus, loves Aaron, and is portrayed as a figure of lust. It is most noticeable during act II scene 3, where she tells Chiron and Demetrius to rape Lavinia:
“So should I rob my sweet sons of their fee:
No, let them satisfy their lust on thee.”
This, could also possibly be a product of Tamora's vengeance, but relating to jealousy over Lavinia and Bassianus, when Tamora can't be with Aaron. She is driven mainly by revenge for Titus, but this act is different, because it is direct cruelty toward Lavinia, who hasn't harmed Tamora.
The overt acts of violence and revenge in this play effectively mask these interesting changes in personality and values of our three main characters.

I'm lazy

Wow, totally slacking on the whole blog thing. So things are pretty normal around here, in my life. I'm actually procrastinating a paper right now. Fucking theater is pretty intense right now too. Busy busy busy. Oh well. Things will be awesome when all this craziness is gone, if I do what I'm planning on (I'm unreliable with these things).

So if you see me, make sure to yell at me to finish my work.

Cool.

Thanks.